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3/3/20

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I wrote the following on March 3rd in response to someone questioning my choices. I didn’t think to share it but now some wonderful things are happening and I want this here to look back on.  3/3/20 I know without a shadow of a doubt I’m where I’m supposed to be. I was Jonah, I was running, I felt and fought the tug for 2 years. Looking back I don’t even recognize that person. I’ve grown so much.  He put me here in this place for a reason.  I don’t share much with the world anymore but that doesn’t mean that I’m not healing.    I’ve learned so much about myself and how to cope with the loses, toxic people, and now I’m figuring out who I am and how I can be better a version of me.  I know I couldn’t have done this kind of healing there. I am a better mom because of this. God put me in a place where all I could do was depend on him and I’ve learned so many lessons and now I can’t wait to see what’s next. My faith and trust is in Jesus and I know He will provide for me and
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Crossfit and Jesus

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To say this week has been frustrating so far would be an understatement.  Its early Thursday morning and I've already had the P'Pool in me tested way too many times.  If you don't know what that means then consider yourself lucky.  (Joking...a little)  My maiden name is P'Pool.  My dad, his 5 brothers, and my Daddy Pool all have a very direct way of letting you know when you tick them off.  Now don't get me wrong, or think we're just a bunch of mean people but when people are testing my nerves I want to give them an H.C. P'Pool cussin'. (Do I sound country yet?) But, I don't because it's so heavy on my heart to let them see Jesus in me.  Kindness goes a long way and despite the very southern way I was raised I don't go around cursing at people.   Anyhow, I have been praying very hard lately for Him to give me the strength to deal with difficult people, situations and the strength to get through another anniversary of Madux's ac
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July

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July is a very overwhelming month.  Three years ago July 19th was the worst day of my life.  We lost Madux that day and our lives will never be the same because of it.  Yet, from now until the day I die I have to "make it" through this month, that day, and pick myself up quickly because my baby girl has a birthday on July 28th.   She lost her brother less than a week before her 5th birthday and I feel like I owe to her to be 100%  I refuse to not celebrate them both in the ways they deserve to be celebrated.  This month I choose to celebrate them both.  I choose to take my moments to grieve as well as laugh and remember the mischievous little boy that is now in Heaven.  I choose to throw a Unicorn themed birthday for my sparkles and rainbow loving little girl.  This year I am in a place that I can do both.  It's taken me a very long time but as of July 2nd, 7:28 AM I feel like I am mentally prepared for the days to come. Not to say, I could completely fall apart at noon
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Bereaved

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Bereaved               Until July 16, 2016, I did not know the word existed much less the meaning and how deeply parents ached at the mere sound of it.   When I became a bereaved parent, God spoke to me pretty quickly. I knew almost immediately what I was supposed to be doing with my life.   Yet I let fear and doubt talk me out of it (more about that later.)   Here I sit almost 3 years later finally putting “pen to paper” and telling fear to go shove it.                 No matter the age or the cause of death it isn’t talked about nearly enough.   This is something that women sat in their closet floors and cry about at night because their husbands “just don’t mourn like that” or so mine didn’t anyway.   Even at my son’s funeral women would whisper in my ear, “I lost a child too.”   Like I was the newest member of a secret society.   I’m a member of a club I never wanted to be in.   The more I speak about losing Madux, the more women will reach out to me.   Whether its by misc
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